45 Things I Learned By Age 45
It's a scary time and there are still things to be grateful for every day
Hello friends.
I turned 45 on Monday and I spent it exactly how I wanted to. I didn’t feel like a party so I didn’t throw one. I did a long run—12 miles—in perfect weather, went to the shvitz with my husband, worked on projects that are important to me, and received almost 200 sweet messages and comments, two bunches of flowers and some presents.
I cooked myself dinner, because I love my own cooking: pasta with pesto, ratatouille, tomato, peach and mozzarella salad and some mixed greens. The 13-year-old made me a beautiful cake, Earl Grey flavored, with lavender buttercream. I took this selfie with no makeup in the spa bathroom, which has very moody lighting (Williamsburg).
I’m also writing this post just because it seems like fun, plus I was inspired by other writers like Jo Piazza . Although the format is light and breezy, this is the deep stuff—words of wisdom that have stuck with me for years. Of course, this is just what works for me. Your mileage may vary.
“It may SEEM that we’re all SEPARATE from each other. But that’s an ILLUSION, a sign of how fearfully we are made.” (Mardi Gras, age 21; story for another time)
“If you want to get through life without pain, you have to be stronger than you have to be.” My prenatal massage therapist told me this sometime in 2011, and I’m still thinking about it. I think she meant that, if your level of fitness is exactly equal to the 7000 or whatever steps you take every day, you’re going to be exhausted and sore at the end of each day. But this saying works for me in a more profound way as well. Get ok with being uncomfortable. Seek out challenges on your own terms, so that you’re ready for what life inevitably throws your way.
Exercise works best for me as a daily habit. Shoot for 7 days, get 6 or 5. I put on my workout clothes as soon as I wake up in the morning. I do squats when I’m brushing my teeth. When my 4th grader goes out the door, so do I. In the last 12 months I’ve jogged 1100 miles in all kinds of weather. I take it nice and easy because I intend to keep going for a long time.
Charge your phone in another room when you go to bed. Don’t look at it first thing in the morning.
SPF. Every day.
Daily gratitudes. They really help. Since January my dad and I have been texting each other daily gratitudes every day, and as I look back, it’s a beautiful record of the year’s high points.
Jenny Anderson read my post about this and responded that it’s a good idea to try with your teen or young adult child as well.
Joanna Macy taught me that my anguish at the state of the world is precious, because it’s a sign of deep caring and connection. My pain won’t break me; it will deepen me, and make me more grateful for every beautiful moment.
Learn to apologize sincerely. Learn to accept apologies.
Seek out people who love what they do, especially in different fields from you. Fascinated people are fascinating.
Cold plunges! Worth it.
Physical pleasure is worth prioritizing. Your body is the place to feel good and now is the only time we have.
I’ve learned to appreciate being a femme, playing with my appearance and presentation as it suits me while not feeling too burdened by the whole game. Relatedly, I’ve gotten some good makeup tips from Instagram Reels!
If you have a dishwasher, run it every night as long as it has at least 8 dishes in it. This is the secret to happiness, according to my Aunt Darma, and it has definitely made our lives better.
I’m not a regular meditator but mindfulness snacks still help. A few intentional deep breaths, a few times a day, before a tough phone call, whenever I need a reset.
A weekly accountability call with fellow writers is one of the best things I ever did both for my work and my soul.
Be eager to help, connect, amplify others’ work. Women in supportive community together can produce genuine magic.
I started to interrogate my white fragility and cis privilege. It's a long term and not a linear process, but I can observe that my friend group is more diverse than it was a decade ago and my life and outlook are richer.
A yoga teacher, perhaps Elena Brower, said to try to take envy as inspiration; it’s a sign of something you really want, calling to you.
It’s just stuff.
Ambitious people are never satisfied. Successful people are always ambitious.
Susan Orlean, who I worked for briefly out of college, told me, “I like people who work.” She also told me, “No one knows what’s most interesting about themselves, so you have to listen and ask good questions.”
You have a right to joy even when other people are suffering, because they always are. Biting off your joy won't help them.
Save. Pay yourself first. The best time to start saving is yesterday. When/if you start making a little more, don't change your day to day lifestyle. Splurge on things like trips that are once a year.
Be intentional about giving what you can, in a way that's sustainable.
My first editor at the Village Voice taught me “always take care of your bad guy.” In other words, be as fair as you can to the villain of your story, and make sure you understand their point of view. It works for real life as well.
Really internalize the truth of “good for her, not for me” and “you do you.” People are different and you can learn a lot by respecting other people’s choices.
Don't criticize other people's children or their parenting. Those kids are their hearts.
Don’t go to the hardware store for oranges. Once someone has shown you their limitations, stop expecting or hoping for affection/an apology/the respect you deserve. They might change, but there's no guarantee. Draw your boundaries and move on.
Every meal and snack I serve, I silently put out fruit, veggies, or salad. Every night we also have dessert.
You can’t make anyone quit drinking, or drugs, or leave that guy. But you can keep the door open and be there when they’re ready.
I would rather say what's most on my heart to several thousand people than say whatever I'm being asked to talk about to millions of people.
If it’s not a good time, it’s a good story, as my friend Martin says. Or as Nora Ephron’s mother put it, everything is copy.
Make it to the wedding if you possibly can. Always go to the funeral or the shiva.
If someone you care about suffers a loss, put the date in your calendar and reach out a month later, and a year later. It will mean a lot to them.
The more comfortable you get with death, the freer and better your life will be.
The people that you love? Tell them.
The best way to maintain good friendships when you’re a grownup and/or have kids is to go away together, overnight or longer. Even if you can only make it happen a couple of times a year, the uncompressed time together will fill your cup. Bonus: kids, if you bring them along, will usually keep each other company, lightening the load.
From Joanna Goddard: when you and your kids hug, make sure they let go first. And when they come in the room, look up, smile, focus on them, make sure they know you are so happy to see them.
Try growing something. Even one pot of basil in a windowsill.
Take a walk by a body of water as often as you possibly can.
Dance. Dance with your children, dance with your sweetheart, dance in your kitchen, a wedding, a concert, a club, a silent disco in the park, a festival or in the basement of the community center. If you're not typically a dancer, check out Five Rhythms or ecstatic dance or Daybreaker or another sober, intentional event—I have friends who have broken their shells and gone from non-dancers to the life of the party this way.
Seek out eclipses, meteor showers, planetary alignments, auroras, and dark skies that show the Milky Way. Earth is changing, sometimes in ways that break our heart. But space is not.
I once worked with a longtime editor for Money Magazine who said their research showed the one image that represented most people's idea of “the good life” was of two couples clinking wine glasses over a laden table. Since then, I always cheers when I'm served a drink with another person, I pause to take in the good for that moment, and I always feel grateful.
From my friend Seth’s grandfather: “Should you stay with that person? Picture you, them, and a bowl of soup. Are you happy? Then you’re happy!”
Marry the person who makes you laugh the most, who thinks you’re funny too, and whose arms feel like home.
Happy birthday! Thank you for sharing these. I’m about to turn 44 and I might try to sit down and do something like this.
I have to say, aside from the way that the world breaks my heart a little bit more every single year, I really love being in my 40s! I still feel pretty young, but with so much more genuine confidence and earned wisdom.
These all really resonated, thank you for sharing. Life isn’t as simple as it was when I was younger (though it didn’t feel simple at the time!), but I actually really love being in my 40s. I appreciate life more and feel more resilient. #45 on your list made me tear up, and I do #43 as well 🥂 Cheers to you on your birthday!