What Palestinian, Muslim, Jewish and Israeli Mothers Are Telling Their Kids Right Now
The power of listening
Hello friends.
Sometimes I like to think about the spiritual dimensions of my training in journalism. For 20 years, sometimes several times a week, I’ve been calling people up, including some people who I really disagree with, and just listening to them, and asking questions to find out what they believe and why they think and feel the way they do.
In these conversations my work is to walk a line. I must be present enough to follow the thread, to ask the right next question, demonstrate curiosity and enough warmth to meet them where they are in a human way if they express tough emotions. I also need to keep myself and my feelings out of it in a certain way, because it’s not really about me. When in doubt, silence and pauses are my friend. It’s a practice!
This is why I was so grateful to have the opportunity to contribute to this piece for The Cut/New York Magazine talking to mothers in the New York City area about how they are talking to their children about the Israel-Hamas war.
First of all, it gave me something productive to do, which is what I and a lot of people are looking for in an ongoing crisis like this.
Secondly, it gave me a chance to sit and listen to the everyday experiences of mothers connected to different sides of the conflict, as well as those with no immediate connection. It was such a relief from so much of the harshness and narrowness I’m seeing on social media.
And placed side by side, what leaps out from these accounts is how much we all have in common when we foreground our care for our babies.
I want to share the themes I noticed so strongly across these conversations. One is that people are trying really hard to teach their children compassion, including for “the other side.” A couple of parents referenced trying to get their children to see beyond “good guys” and “bad guys” :
“Care for innocent Palestinians can’t get lost and shouldn’t get lost,” from a Jewish mom.
“Palestinians, Muslims, Christians, and Jews coexisted peacefully on that land for centuries. And what Hamas did was egregious and horrific. And a fight for freedom should never involve killing or harming civilians,” from a Palestinian mom.
The second is that fear is very very real right now. And children, like the rest of us, connect fear to feelings of othering, persecution or hatred.
He said, “Is somebody going to come into my school and try and shoot me, or poison me, or kidnap me?” And I said, “No, probably not here. But this is something that’s happening elsewhere.”
“What would you do if somebody came? Would you protect me?”
“Mom, I feel like everyone hates Palestinians right now. What if my friends don’t want to be friends with me?”
“I heard everybody hates the Jews. Is that true?”
It wasn’t lost on me that the Muslim and Palestinian women I talked to, in particular, were those who wanted to go by only their first initials. It can help expand your compassion to realize how many people are choosing their words very , very carefully right now.
What now
This conflict feels like an intractable problem that has failed to budge for decades, and also of course it is incredibly urgent and acute. For G-ds sake, right now as of this writing there are still more than 200 hostages, there among 2.3 million Palestinians in Gaza, all of them under siege and bombardment.
A lot of people have expressed to me that they feel helpless or useless, and some are saying nothing, already ready to change the channel. Please don’t do that. Please keep turning towards, as you have capacity.
There are protests, places to donate, online support circles. You can call or write your member of Congress and ask them to support a humanitarian ceasefire. You have half an hour to spare this week to take action.
But also, think about reading your kid a book about this part of the world.
PJ Library sends out free Jewish children’s books. Here’s one about a friendship between a Jewish and Muslim woman.
Cook from a Palestinian cookbook. And/or an Israeli one.
And if you have the capacity, please take the time this week to listen to someone who has feelings to share about what’s going on. Ask them some questions and let them talk for awhile. There’s not a lot to be gained, and a lot can be lost, by posting on social media about something so complicated. It’s so much better to build on your existing relationships, and check in on your people.